A Mystery in Christmastown, Part One: Gianticide

Saturday, December 15, 2012
"Chrismastown: A small town named after its resident's favorite holiday. This chipper little burg is a peaceful place that tries to keep to that Christmas spirit of togetherness all year round...

"... but not everything is always as it seems.

"In all my years of proudly serving as the Constable of Christmastown, I've never seen anything so gruesome, so senseless. But the tranquility of my normal morning patrol was interrupted by a blood-curdling shriek from the nearby Wintery Woods... Running to investigate, I was greeted by this:
"A murder scene, and not a normal one. Not that any murder is normal in Christmastown. I glance around. Any of these by-standards could be a suspect. Heck, anyone in TOWN could be a suspect! Miles the Baker, Nancy the Schoolmarm, Geoff, that no-good cheapskate at the general store who keeps shorting me on my pounds of flour! What would drive someone too..."

"Uhhh... Uncle John? You're monologing. Out loud. Again."

"Quiet, Sarah, your Uncle is trying to work here! Now I've lost my train of thought. Where was I? Right, the murder! Murder most foul! And someone, SOMEONE HERE, is behind it! But who? Who would murder such a gentle... uh... Santa Giant? WHO I ASK?!"

"People are staring, Uncle. And I'm pretty sure this isn't murder. First of all, it's stuffed with straw and made of canvas and linen."

"Don't be silly, Sarah. You don't think I recognize Giant...icide when I see it? Clearly this creature came to these Woods with intent to spread yuletide cheer, as evidenced by his attire, when some bitter soul, enraged by his cheery tidings, murdered him. And then perhaps stuffed him with straw, if that is indeed straw at all, and not Giant Blood!"

"Well, shouldn't you at least, I dunno, clear the scene? Look for clues?"

"Hmm... that's not a bad idea. Okay, you heard her folks, clear out, nothing to see here! Return to your homes!"

"Don't worry everyone, we'll have this all sorted out in a jiff!"

"That means you too, Sarah. I won't have any niece of mine exposed to such horrors!"

"What, you mean the slightly damaged oversize Christmas decoration we found in the woods?"

"Christmas decoration?! I think not! But very well. If you wish to be my deputy constable today, than I suppose it's alright. But no touching anything without my say-so!"

"Fair enough. So, I was thinking we could just..."

"Exactly, look for incriminating evidence!"

"I was going to say follow the clear tracks in the snow to see where this came from."

"Criminals aren't as clever as they think they are, dearest Sarah! And certainly not more clever than your uncle! Look here, his jacket is frayed! Looks like three... maybe four cuts. Of course! The murder weapon was... A GIANT PITCHFORK!"

"Giant pitchfork? Uhh... I think those may have been from the shrubs over there. It looks like he got dragged through it."

"Not now, Sarah, I'm on a roll! And here! Near the bottom of his pants! CHICKEN FEATHERS! Do you know what this means?!"

"... do you?"

"But of course! This means the murderer was none other than... SENORA CLUCKLES! My old nemesis!"

"Who? Are you talking about Miss Flora's chicken? The one who always pecks at you when you go to talk to her?"

"The same! Clearly, that diabolical chicken pitchforked this giant stranger!"

"How?! Uncle John, she's not even a foot tall. And she doesn't have hands! SHE'S A CHICKEN."

"Hmm... perhaps you're right. But I'm not ruling her out as an accomplice! But that brings us back to square one on this mystery. Wait... Sarah look! Tracks! It looks like this giant was dragged here!"

"That's what I was just saying!"

"Come, deputy constable! Let us see where these tracks lead! To our perpetrator, no doubt!"

"Again, that is what I was saying to begin with."
"GASP! The trail leads here! To... the Mills' Mill! Could it be the mild-manned Mills are responsible for such a heinous crime?!"

"Somehow I doubt it."


Did the Mills murder that giant? Can you even murder a Christmas decoration? Is Senora Cluckles the mastermind of the century? Find out all these answers and more next time on A Mystery in Christmastown! Updating with three more episodes between now and Christmas!

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