A Mystery in Christmastown, Part Four: Cat-pocalypse

Friday, December 28, 2012
Welcome to the fourth and final episode of the exciting series, now only 3 days late! If you want to catch up, here's parts one, two, and three! Don't care to do all that reading? Then this should bring you up to speed: Constable John and his niece Sarah discovered a giant mauled decoration in the woods, and after a trail of clues leading from a Mill to a brainy kid to a kind florist to an evil (probably) mailman. The mailman has insinuated some kind of coming cat-related disaster. And now for the conclusion to the mystery!

"And once again, I find myself at a dead end. The so-called "Mailman" was not the lead I was hoping, and still the perpetrator eludes my grasp! No, he eludes the mighty clenching grasp of the law! Justice's hand has seized up, like it would after signing a hundred reports, and is now useless and a little bit sore! What hope is there for this innocent burg if the long of the arm is limp and tired, like an overcooked noodle?"

"Okay, seriously? It's like you're not even listening. Did you not hear all the foreboding pseudo-confession of conspiring to do no good?! The mailman is CLEARLY still our best lead! He CLEARLY knows something and CLEARLY has something planned!"

"I'm not so sure, junior deputy. There was no real confession in there, and you said so yourself, all this talk of giant eldrich cat monsters is non-sense."

"Also... wait... that actually was pretty clear and logical. ESPECIALLY coming from you."

"Yes, yes... I'm starving, I haven't had a decent pastry all day, and I REALLY want this case to be over. Also, I don't want to wake the poor man."

"So you're giving up?"

"BAH! Preposterous! THIS Constable never gives up! He only takes tea and pastry breaks!"

"But... but what about all those things he said? Aren't you worried?"

"Poor Sarah, she was a sweet kid but too young to understand. Some things are just beyond our grasp, like clouds or the those little glowly-flies in summer. In truth, I'm always worried, worried for the day when the word and rule of law will no longer be enough, worried for the day people start to go mad and we switch to a barter system, and in the chaos Senora Cluckles and her chicken army takes over..."

"Stop monologuing! Look, I know I said all that cat stuff was non-sense, but after everything we just heard I'm willing to concede that, for once, your crazy theory was right."

"... really?"

" *Sigh* Yes, really."

"Okay then, let's stop a giant cat!"

"Great! Where do we look first?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Somebody help! just outside of town!"

"There, Sarah! THAT is where we start!"

"It's Mrs. Mills! Mrs. Mills! What is it?!"

"Yes, citizen, what seems to be the trouble?"


"YES! It really is a giant eldrich cat-beast from the time before time! See Sarah?! And to think you wanted to give up."

"YOU wanted to give up! And is now REALLY the time?!"

"Right, right, save the town. LET US AWAY!"


"Wait, offering? What offering?"

"Heh heh... that is none of your concern, slime-urchin!"

"Tell me, or the mailbox gets it!"

"NO! Not the precious postbox! CURSE YOU, smell-hoodlum! The ham! THE GREAT HAM! Everyone knows, it's the only thing the beast truly craves!"

"Well, I didn't know that. Heck, before thirty minutes ago I didn't even know about the cat monster!"

"That is because you, like the rest of these wretches, know not the truth of this place! The cat-beast was here long before Christmastown, before even the Wintery Woods grew from the dirt! It is the true master of this place! LOOK UPON IT AND DESPAIR!"

"Yeah, whatever, why don't you go back to sleep?"

"You do not tell me, you terrible ZZZZzzzzzzzz..."

"Better. Okay, uncle, it sounds like the Ham is... wait... Uncle?"


"Huff... huff... wow... I really need to lay off the pastries..."


"Halt, cat-beast! This town is under OUR protection! Isn't that right, junior-deputy!"
Right? Sarah? Uh oh."


"Heh heh... nice kitty... nice... giant... kitty... let's just...."




"Oh no oh no oh no.... I was never trained for this! All I have is this stupid lantern! That cat-thing is headed straight for town! No more inner monologue, it's time for a BRAIN STORM!"


"Sarah! Sarah!"

"Miss Flora! Have you seen my Uncle? I think he may have gone after that cat alone."

"I was about to ask you! Oh no... I hope he's okay..."

"eeep... I have a feeling he's in better shape than we are..."

"It's after that ham! We have to get the ham away from it! It's our only chance!"

"How? Oh dear..."

"I don't know... oh Uncle... he'd know what to do..."


"Probably, anyway."

"Hey, Cat monster!"



"Come play with your toy!"

"Is that the... giant santa he has behind that cart?"


"That's right, who wants to bat around the big funny giant? You do!"


"The cat has taken the bait! Quick! Get the ham!"

"The ham? OF COURSE! It HAD to be the ham!"

"Wait, how did it have to be the ham? The only mention of the ham before now was when you had already run off!"

"Sarah, if there's one thing I've learned in all my years as Constable, it's that it's always the ham. Now come on, hooligans, help me get it off that roof!"

"In this case I'm inclined ta agree!"

"Okay hooligans, I'm willing to forgive all those times you threw eggs at my door if you'll take this ham as quickly as you can into the Wintery Woods, and throw it off the cliff!"

"You got it, chief! He 'eard the Constable, boys, get the rest of the gang and let's move!"

"I KNEW it!"

"Wow, Uncle, I have to say, I'm actually impressed."

"... really?"

"Yep. I never should have doubted Christmastown's finest Constable."

"Well, I AM the town's only Constable, but... thanks, Sarah."

"Great work, Constable! You're my hero!"

"Well... hero is a strong... I mean..."

"Oh come on, Miss Flora, just say you'll have tea with him."

"I'd love to."

"SUCCESS! Once again justice triumphs! And look at that, Sarah, everyone got a happy ending! And just in time for Christmas, too!"

"Uhhh... Uncle? It's the 28th."



Thanks for reading, folks! And don't forget to check in next Christmas for A Mystery in Christmas Town, Part II - The Return of Cat'thulhu! It will have more action! It will have more drama! It will hopefully actually wrap up on Christmas! Thanks again for sticking with us, everyone, and see you next year!


  1. Ah if only people knew the agonizing hours (well minutes) it took us to get the damn cat to cooperate with picture taking!

  2. Anonymous8:02 PM

    What a fun read! Thanks!!

  3. suddenly wishes he had a good Catness pun to put out there.


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