That’s the Worst Idea I’ve Ever Heard (This Week!) Week of March 29th-April 4th, 2012

Wednesday, April 04, 2012

Once more unto the breach, into the worst news Hollywood has! And hoo boy, this week was a doozy. After the relative quietness of last week, I was worried that Hollywood had plum run out of bad ideas, and the community of people who sit in the back row of the internet and make fun of them would have to go find something productive to do in their spare time. Fortunately, right after I thought that I saw that they’re doing a sequel to the 1980s Arnold Schwarzenegger/Danny DeVito comedy Twins…20 years late…called Triplets…and Eddie Murphy is going to be their long lost third brother somehow…

Yeah. That didn’t even break the top 3. I’ve got my work cut out for me, folks. Let’s dive in!

Idea #1: Michael Bay’s crapsackular Platinum Dunes studio is re-rebooting the Halloween franchise.
Oh, Michael Bay. Where would us snark-peddlers of the internet be without you? Honestly, I love this guy. It’s like he’s his own mini-Hollywood full of horrible, horrible ideas. And with the backing of his studio, Platinum Dunes (makers of such quality entertainment options as the Friday the 13th remake, the Amityville Horror remake, the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake…do you see where I’m going with this?) he can make those terrible ideas reality. Like this one – remember how Rob Zombie rebooted Halloween less than half a decade ago? Remember it, while being – well, a Rob Zombie movie – being decent enough to warrant a sequel? Remember how no one in the universe was clamoring for a reboot? Well too bad! Because Michael Bay knows better than you, and Platinum Dunes has just got the rights to take over for the franchise.
Granted, the first thing they did was scrap the idea for a third movie in Zombie’s continuity, called Halloween 3D, set to be shot in, you guessed it, 3D. What we’ll be getting instead is a glossy, relatively horror-free reboot of the series starring the hottest failed CW stars money can buy. I believe that’s what you call a mixed blessing.

Idea #2: Ashton Kutcher to play Steve Jobs in a biopic
            Oh…oh, no…
I wanted so badly to believe this some sort of debased April Fool’s joke, but no. It’s happening.
I – wha – I – can’t even – grrglmffffrgglllll……

Okay. I’m okay. My brain just shut down temporarily. It’s fine. Now…
Look, I don’t hate Ashton Kutcher, in that I don’t wish him any particular harm. Nor do I revere Steve Jobs as some sort of demigod (although I am writing this review on a Mac – the dude got a lot of credit for a lot of other people’s work). But – WHAT?!?!
This is the worst casting idea since I suggested that Michael Cera should play a PTSD-afflicted Korean War vet! And I was kidding. This is a thing – a real thing that people are spending real money on. I cannot stress that hard enough.  
Okay, no, I’m fine. Maybe he’ll surprise me. Maybe. Now let’s get to the next one before my brain shuts down agaimmfmrmgmfrmmrmgmfffglllll…..

Idea #3: Adam Sandler, the only man ever to sweep the Razzies, is remaking Summer School
I’ve never seen Summer School, but its 61% Tomatometer and the fact that it’s directed by Carl Reiner (a.k.a. the guy who directed the Jerk, or Saul in Ocean’s Eleven) make me think that it’s probably at least a decent flick, starring a couple of decent people who never quite made the A-list. Adam Sandler, by comparison, is the opposite of that. We’re long beyond the pale of him giving a crap about anything anymore, and somehow he still not only manages to make terrible movies for him and his friends, but those movies still manage to make money (except Bucky Larson, thank god). And now, in addition to press-ganging Taylor Lautner for Grown-Ups 2, is remaking Summer School, for…I don’t know. Some reason. Or maybe no reason at all.
I’m not one to mince words: Adam Sandler stopped making good things about a decade ago – maybe even longer – and to date he is the only man to ever sweep the Razzies. So, with that in mind, nothing good could ever possibly come of this remake.
On the plus side, we can see Rob Schneider as the janitor at the school, scooping up vomit/feces/some other bodily fluid and saying “Dey don’t pay me eenuff fer dis!” in the most racist accent he can muster. That’s something, right?

And now, the winner is…Actually, Adam Sandler! Because as bad as Ashton Kutcher mugging his way through a performance as Steve Jobs is, post Jack and Jill Adam Sandler making anything – literally anything – is worse. So, congratulations, Mr. Sandler. You win your own personal island in French Polynesia. Please go there and stop making movies forever.

That’s all for this week! Tune in next week, when I engage in ferocious hand-to-hand battle with a pack of mountain lions and livestream the results (or just continue to make fun of stuff. I haven’t locked down the mountain lions yet).

Inevitable Winner of Next Week: Four words. Battleship 2: Havana Nights.


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