That’s the Worst Idea I’ve Ever Heard (This Week)! March 14th-21st, 2012

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

In today’s filmmaking atmosphere, bad ideas are easy to come by, and we here in the internet have never been happier – the level of snark fodder coming out of Hollywood every week is truly a gift to us bloggers. In that spirit, I’d like to head off a little article I call “That’s the Worst Idea I’ve Ever Heard (This Week)!”, where I pick apart the worst of the worst, the most hated and cursed, of ideas pumping out of the entertainment industry this week. Ready? Neither am I, but let’s do this anyway!

Idea #1: A “Supernatural” “Modern” “Re-Imaginging” of “Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn” as “Adults”
I – wha…but – no! What?! NO! Bad Hollywood! Bad!
Okay…I was preparing for awful, but did we have to start with this one? Honestly? The number of quotation marks I used in that description barely captures the amount of disdain I have for this idea.
For those of you who haven’t hurled yourself out a window in despair at that description, the project, repped by Universal, is described as a re-imagining of Huck and Tom “in the vein of Snow White and the Huntsman”. No, really. Now, I haven’t seen Snow White and the Huntsman, nor do I plan to because it looks like a carbon copy of 2010’s Alice in Wonderland. Which sucked. (and seriously, Kristen Stewart has the acting range of a wooden board with a nail in it. Actually, no, a wooden board with a nail in it still wins).
But seriously, giving a Snow White and the Huntsman treatment to Mark Twain’s beloved classic is such a bad idea that my internet committed suicide after opening the page (granted, it turned out to just be my connection dying).  Honestly, I don’t see how it could get any worse than this.  

Idea #2: Michael Bay is rebooting Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, except they aren’t Mutants anymore, they’re aliens.
            Okay. I was wrong. It’s so, soooo much worse now.
Granted, this is a television idea and not a film idea, but it deserves special mention because a) Michael Bay is stupid, b) rebooting TMNT again is stupid, and c) ALIENS?!?!?! Ladies and gentlemen, the stupidity levels have somehow crossed the idiocy event horizon, likely resulting in a small tear in the space/time continuum over Arizona. Look, now, Michael Bay. Look at what you’ve done!
Bay has, in the wake of the justifiable waves of fan rage, come out and told everyone to “just chill”, because “[we] haven’t read the script”. You know what, sir? I will not just chill. I will not chill at all! You know why? Because I’m not sure that anything this week can top how bad of an idea this is – and that’s from the guy who knows that they’re planning on turning Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn into a homoerotic Twilight! This is the dumbest idea … wait.
Oh, crap. I spoke too soon, didn’t I? What’s the next one?

Idea #3: WWE decides to remake Leprechaun series, presumably with 20% more sweaty dudes growling at the camera
Nope. Still not worse than Michael Bay present Michael Bay’s Teenage Alien Ninja Turtles.
I mean, don’t get me wrong, this idea is bad – like, really bad. Leprechaun is generally regarded as one of the dumber offspring of the ‘90s horror crop, known for being racist against Irish people and only occasionally going back 2 tha hood (I’ve never seen any of them, so they might be fantastic, deeply moving pieces of cinema - anyone out there care to confirm?). And yeah, it’s probably going to be similar to that one movie with Triple H. No, the other one.
So, yeah, this idea is bad, but it’s endearingly bad. And who knows? Maybe it’ll turn out a passable piece of schlocky entertainment. No, Bay still takes the cake (and something tells me he’ll continue to do so into the future. Just a gut instinct.)

So, congratulations, Michael Bay! Your Teenage Alien Ninja Turtles is the worst idea I’ve ever heard (this week)! You win the undying contempt and impotent, fist-shaking rage of the TMNT fans. Feel free to leave it by the undying contempt and impotent, fist-shaking rage of the Transformers fans.

And that’s all for this week! Good luck out there, and let’s hope that next week brings us some good news for a change… (maybe that Edgar Wright-directed Hellblazer remake? A man can dream…)

Inevitable Winner From Next Week: Lionsgate decides that “in order to properly tell the story” of Hunger Games sequels Catching Fire and Mockingjay, both are going to be split into two movies each.



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