Movies I Want Them to Make (And Why They Won't) - First Post by the New Guy!

Saturday, January 07, 2012
Hello! The Effin Bear here, happy to be a contributor on Music for a Midlife Geek! I am an aspiring director and screenwriter in his early ‘20s, who avidly follows the world of visual storytelling (speaking of, would you like to read my screenplay?). In the coming months, I will be delving into the complicated world of film, television, and theater. First, I’ll be taking a look at four of the dream film projects I want to see made.
As we look forward to the new releases of 2012, one can’t help but be a little disappointed. I mean, yeah, we’re supposed to see a new Arrested Development season, but what about Firefly? Or an Evil Dead movie that, you know, actually has Bruce Campbell in it? And I’m sure there are a few Buckaroo Banzai fans out there that are still hoping against hope that Buckaroo Banzai vs. The World Crime League will be announced this year.
And that’s exactly what this article is about – those movies we want them to make, why they’d be awesome...and why those movies will probably never be made. Check them out after the jump!

Guillermo Del Toro presents At The Mountains of Madness
This is the only one on this list that almost came into creation. I still think that Guillermo Del Toro and H.P. Lovecraft are a match made in heaven…or, I guess the seething nuclear fire of Azathoth, at the center of the universe…it’d be awesome, it what I’m saying.
The Gist: Guillermo Del Toro brings us a doomed turn-of-the-century expedition to the south pole, where a group of archaeologists discover the ruins of an Elder Race…and the hideous monsters that dwell within.
Why It’d Be Awesome: For one, James Cameron had pledged his VFX resources to it – and those guys are second only to WETA when it comes to creating jaw-dropping CGI. And, moreover, it’s Guillermo Del Toro! Adapting an H.P. Lovecraft story! Like Pan’s Labyrinth, but at the South Pole, and with more tentacle monsters!
Why They’ll Never Make It: Well, for one, H.P. Lovecraft is hardly a bankeable property. Audiences go to horror movies to see gross and inventive deaths and to jump out of their seat – not to be told that they, and the rest of humanity, are worthless in the face of the universe. That’s sort of the point of Lovecraft’s Cosmic Horror, and it wouldn’t go over well with a modern audience. And if they excised that aspect of the story, well then you just have another remake of The Thing...and we all saw how good the last one of those was...
Edgar Wright presents Hellblazer, starring Simon Pegg as John Constantine
Hellblazer was already adapted into a film, christened Constantine, in 2005 starring Keanu “Whoa” Reeves and Shia “Beefy Weefs” Labeouf. Critical and audience response to the film was…lukewarm, with criticisms hanging on the fact that its two leads were played by the least likeable men in Hollywood, the story was hokey when it wasn’t being incomprehensible, and it was only tangentially related to the incredible British horror mystery series upon which it was based.
The Gist: Edgar Wright brings his quirky, British Grindhouse sensibility to a complete reboot of Hellblazer. He’s proven that he knows his way around comics adaptations, he has a knack for comedy/horror (Shaun of the Dead, the trailer for “Don’t!” from Grindhouse, some segments on Spaced). Simon Pegg, bleached blonde and ragged, plays supernatural con-man John Constantine. Also, get someone writing it who’s actually familiar with Hellblazer beyond the series’ Wikipedia page (My choice? Probably Neil Gaiman – though I wonder if Stephen Moffat is a Hellblazer fan…)
Why It’d Be Awesome: Edgar Wright is without hyperbole one of the most talented visual directors working in Hollywood today, and he’s got the right sensibility to take on the weird, noir-y world of the Trenchcoat Brigade. Simon Pegg is quickly rising to prominence to American audiences, and the project could elevate him to A-lister status. Pegg has enough charm to carry a movie (see: Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz), and I for one believe he’d be an awesome Constantine.
Why They’ll Never Make It: Because the studios have already seen what happens when you give Edgar Wright the reins to a venerable indie comic franchise. He’ll make a kickass movie that critics and audiences will love…that will also flop miserably at the box office. Studios want their comic book movies to be blockbusters, and Edgar Wright makes cult flicks. Maybe sometime down the road he’ll have the pull to make a movie like this, but now? We’re all happy with him finishing the Blood and Ice Cream Trilogy.
A Theatrical Re-Issue of the Original Star Wars Trilogy, As They Were In Their Original Theatrical Runs
We’ve seen Star Wars return to theaters, and this year we’ll see the beginning of a 3D Re-Issue of the newest, most touched-up version of the six films, starting with Phantom Menace in a few months. But…
The Gist: Re-release the classic versions of the Original Trilogy. No additional CGI, no digital restoration, no nothing. Release them as they were when they first came out. Couldn’t get more simple than that.
Why It’d Be Awesome: Because there is now a whole generation of kids who never got to see Star Wars as their parents saw it. The old VCR tapes are all but gone, and the only versions you can get are the 1997 redo (which featured Gweedo shooting first), the 2005 DVD release (which featured Hayden Christiansen poking his ghost-nose into our original trilogy), and the most recent Blu-Ray release (which featured Darth Vader screaming “NOOOOO!” at Emperor Palpatine in Return). The money you’d make off the nostalgia alone would be staggering.
Why They’ll Never Do It: Because George Lucas is a bastard. Seriously. He is an evil man who loves to watch us suffer, and I’m pretty sure he ate a baby once.
“Against Type”, Directed by Robert Zemeckis
Okay, so this one is a bit complicated, but it’s something I’d want to see just to see how it’d turn out. One, take Robert Zemeckis and return him to live-action directing. He’s a solid director, but he needs to stop making movies in Uncanny Valley-vision. Then, you round up a bunch of Hollywood’s most typecast actors (Michael Cera, Alec Baldwin, Samuel L. Jackson, etc.) and cast them in roles that are utterly against type. Then, make it awesome…somehow.
The Gist: Okay, so, I’m seeing some kind of dark, 1950’s throwback Sci-Fi movie, like a deconstruction of the old pulpy ‘50s alien invasion movies. Michael Cera plays a PTSD-suffering Korean War vet who returns to his hometown to live with his kindly, mild-mannered, generous uncle (Alec Baldwin). Samuel L. Jackson plays a meek local shopkeeper with a game leg who longs to be a hero. And then…aliens attack the town, I guess? Jim Carrey could play the tough, no-nonsense military general who comes in to clean up the invasion in the second act. Maybe? Eh, it’s a start.
Why It’d Be Awesome: I don’t know. Honestly, it probably wouldn’t be. But I’d see it anyway, out of morbid curiosity.
Why They’ll Never Make It: Because it’s a ridiculous idea, dreamed up by a madman. I mean, Robert Zemeckis directing a live-action feature? That’d never happen!
What movies would you guys like to see made? Do you think any of the choices I’ve listed sound terrible beyond the obvious reasons? Sound off in the comments below!


  1. Anonymous2:08 PM

    I really really want to see at the Mountains of Madness by GDT!

  2. Welcome aboard, sir. Great article to start! I would love to see a Hellblazer reboot by Edgar Wright starring Simon Pegg. It would be geektastic!

  3. No Banzai (it's a movie girls don't 'get') but I'd pay good money for more Serenity...or Nathan Fillian in almost anything on the big screen.
    Welcome aboard.

  4. Bro, this is why YOU need to become a screenwriter. These ideas are so much better than 80% of what films are made these days. Also, I seem to remember having a conversation with you at some point about an Against Type movie, but it was pre-Inception and one of the characters was Ellen Page as a timid girly-girl type(she broke type with Inception so now that wouldn't be as cool)... anyway, great to have you aboard!


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