My Brother

Tuesday, July 12, 2011
My first words to him after no contact for over four years was “I screwed over a lot of people back then and all I can say is that I am sorry, ” in reply to to his admission that he wanted to kill me, literally, following his release from prison. Thus began our adult relationship.

My older brother and I always had a complicated relationship. It was in 1986 after my first son was born I was laying on the living room floor after an exhausting day spent between two hospitals when Tucker called me. I was guilty of ignoring his pleas while serving time in the California penal system, among other things. In short, I was guilty of being a poor excuse for a brother.

As time went on we put aside our teenage distrust of each other and grew close again. I remember in the summer 1989 we spent an entire night in my grandparents hay barn discussing life. Tucker told me then, “We are brothers. We need to stay close.” He said it in such an assuring way that I knew he was right.

Over the next twenty years, over long phone calls and late night talks, we stayed close. The last time I saw Tucker was in 2009. We didn't have any late night talks during that visit, but I didn't really pay attention to that. Over the next two years, Tucker and I spoke less and less. I tried to make the effort, but the conversations had become less personal. I felt the change in my heart, but I said nothing.

My last conversation with my older brother was on November 7th, 2011. I do not recall what it was about, but he had apologized being so busy for the last year. He would make it up to me, but he was still to busy to talk in any detail. I tried to contact him off and on, but he was too busy every time I called. On July 6th, my brothers wife called to tell me that Tuckers body had been found in the mountains near Roseburg. Oregon. He had been missing since April. My heart was broken. He had gone from being too busy to just being gone
.
I was close to Tucker. Maybe as close as anyone. Tucker may have had more conversations with others in his recent past, but Tucker shared his secrets with me. I carry more than his secrets. I carry part of his soul.

My brother's life was a life of contradictions. He was at once loving and distant. Open and circumspect. Trustworthy and distrustful. Maybe he thought he was doing the right thing, the honorable thing in his death, but if he felt all alone, that was the farthest thing from the truth. He was never alone and I will always carry a piece of him. May he at long last find peace.

2 comments :

  1. I feel for you. Brothers are special and do need to be kept close...even if they are the ones pulling away. All we can do is love them. Even if they are no longer with us. ((hugs))

    ReplyDelete
  2. Rest in peace, dear brother of man, rest in peace.

    ReplyDelete

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