Pick Six: Cheesiest Music Videos from the 80's

Friday, April 15, 2011
In 2010 there weren't many people left (I was one) who hadn't upgraded their phone and purchased a data plan. It was the thing you were willing to give something else up to have. Back in 1982, the one thing everyone was willing to give up something to have was their MTV. MTV was playing in the background of our first apartment almost all the time.

I certainly have my favorites from those years, but today we're going to acknowledge those wonderfully awful music videos from the 80's. For your viewing pleasure:


Eddie Money – I think I’m in Love:
I wish I had been in the room when the producers were pitching this idea: Eddie, we think you’re too goofy looking to pull off a Huey Lewis kind of video…so you’ll be in a Dracula movie part of the time…lots of shadows…fog… And I love that this is listed as the “official” video on Youtube…because heaven forbid you accidentally see the unofficial, crappy one by mistake.

Pat Benetar – Love is a Battlefield:
I’ve written before about power women from the 80’s and Pat is my #1 girl from those days. Since this video came out around the same time as Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” I’m not sure which one came up with the idea of dancing costumed people first. This video is part dancing, part after school special.

Olivia Newton John – Physical:
I’m ashamed to admit this was #1 on the Billboard top 100 the year I got married. I apologize to the world for that. We open with Olivia fully dressed, surrounded by men in speedos. Then, she apparently goes on a killing or torture spree, trying to kill off all the fatties in the gym. In her shower dream, she comes back to find all the men have turned into hunky, slimy muscle men, who then go off together into some homo erotic sunset. Truly, someone got paid to come up with this idea!

Journey Separate Ways:
If you ever wondered what Steve looks like either on the potty or in the final moments of lovin' (eew): you have only to watch him sing on this video. That coupled with the world’s worst air piano…and you have Separate Ways. Someone should probably have pointed out to Steve that going shirtless was supposed to be sexy? Maybe he should have watched Olivia’s “Physical” video.

Billy Squire Rock Me Tonight:
The video that torpedoed a promising career. Why is he in his pajamas? A little homage to Flashdance: there is pole dancing…costume changes…and a Radio City Music Hall Rockette inside Billy just trying to get out.

KISS – Lick it Up:
Everyone in the band, especially Gene, should have kept their make up on! Is this a weird futuristic orgy? Women in some post apocalyptic universe are crawling out of sewers and washing their ragged clothing in the gutter when along come the Kiss guys in their suede boots and tight jeans with some kind of crotch jewelry attached. And what do these women do? Share their mustard with them. And are they drinking gasoline? In the end, the hot girl chooses a skull over the band members. I totally get that.

2 comments :

  1. mmmhmmm

    I recognise all of those. Some of them quite skeery.

    I enjoy your words, muchly.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I refuse to listen to anything by Journey! I agree with many of your choices (you MUST check out Total Eclipse of the Heart - if only because of Literal Video's version.)

    ReplyDelete

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