Suicide Is Only Painless for the Person Dying

Monday, February 07, 2011
Quakey Limbs Against TheSky ABSBWSuicide was always on the table. It always had been. He had a plan since he was eight. Back then it was to run away to downtown Seattle and jump off of the Bremerton ferry halfway across the sound. The thought of drowning didn't scare him back then.

Later, when his family had moved to central Washington, he imagined jumping off of some cliff high up around Blewett Pass or maybe Cougar Rock. In high school, he discovered opiates and decided that was the way to go. Overdose, fall asleep and just stop breathing. It appealed to him. If he disappeared into the hills with thirty or so Lortab, by the time he was found, no one could save him.

That was most important to him. When he went, it had to be permanent with no failures. Or being halfway dead. Falls from high places did not always kill. He had his share of friends, former rock climbers that had survived tremendous fall. Their quality of life left a lot to be desired. Guns? To messy. Asphyxiation? An asphyxiated body is not pretty.

Besides his father had died that way. For forty years he mused on how he would kill himself. The only thing that ever stopped him was his own vanity. What would people think? People say that they are to scared to kill themselves. He knew different, killing yourself didn't take bravery. Suicide was never that dramatic.

When he was sixteen, a kid named Joey had pulled a gun on one of the cops downtown Portland and the cop shot him. It might sound dramatic, but Joey didn't stick around to se the effect it had on the cop who had to shoot a fourteen year old kid.

He had a close friend back in the days that he went to group therapy. His friend had gone to group on Tuesday night, had a session with his therapist on Wednesday morning, then proceeded to go back to his car and shoot himself. Sounds dramatic, but he had been contact with fourteen people suffering as he was and he didn't ask any of them for help. And he left a mess behind.

His plan would tie up any loose ends. His plan would leave his body in a relatively acceptable state. His plan was nearly perfect, and why not, he had over forty years to perfect it. He had been close to executing his plan once or twice in his life, but never followed through.

Suicide had always been on the table. He had not followed through. Not from a lack of bravery. No, in the end, he couldn't bear hurting the ones he would leave behind. Suicide doesn't require bravery. It requires exhaustion. It is fed by narcissism. It is the ultimate act of self absorption and vanity. He knew that. Plan or not.

He had always had a plan. His new plan was to commit suicide by growing old.

No comments :

Post a Comment

We allow anonymous comments as long as they comply with our commenting policies. Any comments not meeting our standards will be deleted by the management.

Share This

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...