This post isn't about what I think it's about

Friday, October 08, 2010
It's another Friday in another unremarkable year. My lack of focus is, lacking. The clock ticks closer to 3:30 and I review what I haven't done this week. This month. This year. Every time I think I am getting better, my self summoned demons drag me back down into that special pit, reserved for those of us who think our grandiosity will save us from the reality of mental illness.

At least the demons show up on time. I am reminded of Wowbagger, the Infinitely Prolonged and the long dark teatime of the soul. For him, it was Sunday afternoons. For me? My accounting comes on Friday afternoon when the little voices whisper such inanities as:
If you expect something bad to happen, it will.
If you expect something good to happen, it won't.
Pessimism Pays.
While the office slowly clears, I will slowly turn up my music, usually some 70's arena rock (Queen today) and attempt to convince my demons that it's all cool and they should let me enjoy my weekend. My demons, however, expect me to pay some sort of penance in exchange for a quiet weekend.

I will consider their offer while I take a sip of my fifth cup of coffee. Pay now? Pay later? Or just say 'The hell with it' and plan to work on Saturday. The demon's are appeased. For now. I shut down my computer and go home and my mind whispers to me:
If it was really real, you wouldn't joke about it. Right?

2 comments :

  1. I ache for you and the pattern you so clearly describe, the struggles with mental illness aren't something to underestimate. Lacking any control over your discomfort makes me sad. Use the tools you have even if they don't seem to help. Please remember, I am here for you. Listening and giving a damn. Thanks for putting words to this often difficult to describe disease. I pray those demons get distracted and that it can get better asap.

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  2. Poor sweet! Hard to imagine fighting it off all the time so thanks for putting words to it and.. you're doing an amazing job fighting it!
    And if I may joke about it the inanties reminded me of our jante-law http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jante_Law

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