Random Verse - Middle Aged and Still Fighting F.U.D.

Friday, January 15, 2010

All the fear, uncertainty and doubt of youth never goes away, does it? Some of us found angst as an outlet, raging against the machine and everything else for that matter. Sadly, the certainty of youth gives way to weariness of middle age. There are still things to rage against, but you are just too tired to get to worked up about it all.

Yet the fear, uncertainty and doubt remain. In a world with no absolutes, this is close to one as you can find. You know, waiting for the other shoe to drop. The anxiety that it is all just a dark comedy being played at your expense.

You can become a person who seeks simple answers to complex problems. Some of your friends have, and they seem happy enough. It's just not in you. Why should there be simple answers when you know you are complex? Cursed with self awareness verging on narcissism, you try to find an outlet. Sometimes healthy. Sometimes not.

The best advice I ever received was this; Have an avocation. Find a hobby. When I am feeling particularly anxious or angst-y, I turn to that advice. I write. Not always well, mind you. Sometimes it's just mental masturbation. Words of angst and pain, not too far removed from teenage lost love poetry. Hey, release is release, isn't it?
I have vision
so I kid myself
left of the right
I hide in my night

I see the world
so I say to myself
and I hide the real me
and pretend I am free

all the things
that I pretend
don't bother me
I simply turn my head
and pretend to hear
what was said

I know trust
is my refrain
and it means nothing
even though it is everything

I have no fear
when I am afraid
self help books lay well read
never lessening my own dread

all the things
that scatter my brain
just on the edge of sane
I just run ahead
and scatter the birds
and ignore what was said

I am pretty sure
it is just me
others take offense
at this pretense

I have visions
that never match
another slight to nurse
just a speck in this universe

3 comments :

  1. Massively impressed by this writing, Both the poetry and the introduction. Clarity of thought expressed exquisitely... congratulations J.

    ReplyDelete
  2. gina70r2:18 PM

    Fantastically written, your writing is thought provoking and really resonates with me. Thank you

    Gina

    ReplyDelete
  3. I have visions
    that never match
    another slight to nurse
    just a speck in this universe


    Beauty.

    Masturbation - mental or otherwise - 'tis good for and to the soul.

    ReplyDelete

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